By Michael Lordi

I’m a survivor of the Catholic education system.  Not one of those short-timers sentenced to a year or two in grammar school; no, I was a lifer, all in – grammar, high school, university (Seton Hall).  Through all the Catechism, plodding through the writings of Thomas Merton, St. Augustine, Thomas Aquinas, and a convention others whose tomes haunt my dreams, I always wondered why Jesus chose to begin life as an itinerant woodworker in the most backwater place in the Roman Empire.

How different, how stress-free and bloodless his impact would be had he lived today and used social media to spread his Gospel rather than depend on the second-hand recounts of followers or the foggy recollections of an elderly St. John.  What if, instead, the Son of God chose to speak, on a global scale, directly to every living person on earth with whom he had the digital ability to connect?

What would Jesus tweet?

I wonder how some of the Gospel passages would translate in Twitter?  For example:

The Wedding at Canaan:

Meshugganah Messiah: Cousin’s wedding reception is lame.  Band’s playing too much #Sophocles.  Cash Bar, too.

Meshugganah Messiah: @Mother asked me to make a wine run.  Says caterer’s in a jam.  Told her no because it is not yet my time.  Back to party.

Meshugganah Messiah: Note to self:  Don’t piss off mom.  Had to think fast.  Conjured solution that didn’t require wine run.  Hope I didn’t blow cover.

Or this on the first disciples: 

Meshugganah Messiah: Cruising boardwalk at #SeaofGalilee and met a fisherman named @Simon who likes to fish nude.

Meshugganah Messiah: He says day was a bust and had nets in knots.  Hopped in his skiff and said let’s row further out to mellow.

Meshugganah Messiah:  Rowed (he did, not me) half-mile out.  Reception down to one bar; hope you get this.

Meshugganah Messiah : Negative vibes from fisherman.  Told him to drop nets here.  He says “No fish, no way, no how.”  Stared him down.  He did it.

Meshugganah Messiah: Up to our family jewels in mackerel.  Any more and we’ll capsize.  Believe now, sucka?

Meshugganah Messiah: Rowing back to shore (he is, not me).  Told @Simon to put on pants or sunburn will crimp his sex life.  He doesn’t get it.  LOL!

Meshugganah Messiah: Back on land.  @Simon yells to cousins and other fishermen.  They want to follow, too.  Hey — Got me a posse!

Or this on the Sermon on the Mount:

Meshugganah Messiah: Check out the crowd!  Kudos to @John and the advance team for promotion.  Should give them a raise.  Maybe not.

Meshugganah Messiah: @Andrew tells me concessions, CDs and T-shirts still at the warehouse in Nazareth.  Teamsters want more mileage reimbursement for camels.  Unions!

Meshugganah Messiah: Just three smoked herrings, two loaves unseeded rye and uneaten half of @Matthew’s bialy to feed crowd.  Taking matters in my own hands.

Meshugganah Messiah: Oh great!  I feed a multitude of five thousand with only scraps and is anybody impressed?

Meshugganah Messiah: Cousin Rachel asked me to do “fish trick” again at her five-year-old’s birthday party along with the wine thing and any card tricks.

Meshugganah Messiah: Five-year old wants to know if I can make balloon animals too.

Or this on the growth of his ministry:

Meshugganah Messiah: Building street cred with #Romans.  Several asked me to supper.  Say they’ll make me an offer I can’t refuse.  Italians!

Meshugganah Messiah: Quick, anybody . . . What’s calamari?

Meshugganah Messiah: #Centurian quietly asks if I could heal sick servant.  Says no need to come to house, just say he’s healed and it’s so.  Boss!

Meshugganah Messiah: Wait!  Me to #Centurian:  “Do you not want me to your house because I’m #Jewish?”

Meshugganah Messiah: He says, “Not hard to know you’re #Jewish.  You’re 33-years old, live at home, and your mother thinks you’re God.”

On the Ascension: 

Meshugganah Messiah: Time to go.  Gave troops a pep talk.  Turning off BB for good.

Meshugganah Messiah: Teased Simon about the day on his boat and gave him a new handle . . . @Peter.  He doesn’t get it.  ROFL!